Book Two of a three-book formation pathway on relational intelligence · Forthcoming
How Leaders Close the Gap Between Care Given and Love Received
You meant encouragement. They heard control.
Every leader knows the moment. You offered support, and it landed as pressure. You gave honest feedback, and it was heard as rejection. Your care was sincere, yet it missed the mark.
Forthcoming. Join the waitlist to be told on publication and receive early excerpts.
Why sincere care still misses
When Love Misses the Mark shows why this happens and what to do about it. Care is measured not only by what we intend, but by what the other person can safely receive. Between the two sits translation, shaped by personal history, stress, attachment, culture, neurodiversity and the power we hold. When translation fails, good leaders lose trust without knowing why.
Three translation gaps this book closes
- Good intent gets received as pressure, control or rejection. The gap is rarely motive — it is translation, and most leaders never learn to check for it.
- One relational style does not reach everyone. Culture and neurodivergence change the dialect entirely — the same gift, silence or touch can mean something different to each person.
- Repair gets skipped because the miss goes unnoticed. Without a shared vocabulary for what went wrong, misunderstandings quietly accumulate.
The Seven Languages of Receivable Love
Building on the five love languages popularised by Gary Chapman, the book extends the conversation into leadership. Alongside Words, Service, Gifts, Time and Touch, it adds two languages mature relationships cannot avoid:
- Discipline — fair accountability that supports growth.
- Faithfulness — dependable care over time.
These are practical lenses for reflection and conversation, not personality types or diagnostic tests. No language overrides consent or justifies control.
The Four Laws of Relational Leadership
- Nervous System Alignment — What is happening within me before I respond?
- The Attachment Dialectic — Am I respecting this person’s need for closeness or independence?
- Channel-Specific Reception — What would help this person recognise and receive support?
- Formative Boundaries — What boundary will keep this interaction responsible and safe?
Together they give leaders a shared vocabulary for noticing a miss early, correcting without wounding, and repairing quickly when care goes wrong.
This is not a book about loving more. It is about loving more wisely, so that your care is not only sincere, but received.
What’s inside
A ten-minute diagnostic, ready scripts for repair and warm boundaries, a ten-week study guide and a Formation Profile — built around four parts:
- Part I — Why Love Misses the Mark: channels, history, the nervous system, power, safety and consent.
- Part II — The Seven Languages: one chapter per language, plus When Love Feels Like Trench Warfare.
- Part III — Integration and Repair: where love becomes hard to receive, becoming multilingual in grace, and love that scales.
- Part IV — Loving Across Difference: neurodivergent channels and the cultural lexicon of love.
- Appendices: a 10-week study guide, scripts and micro-practices, suggested further study, a cheat sheet and quick reference, the Seven Languages Formation Profile, and a glossary.
Who it’s for
People responsible for others — leaders in workplaces, churches, community organisations, education and families — who want their care to be received rather than misread. That includes executives, managers, team leaders, founders, HR and organisational development practitioners, project leaders, culture shapers, ministry leaders and community leaders.
Readers in mixed-faith workplaces can apply every principle through observable practices: dignity, consent, fairness, clear expectations and reliable follow-through.
From the Preface
This book teaches principles I believe deeply, though I do not embody them perfectly. I write as a practitioner and learner, still being shaped by study, mistakes, misread moments, and the slow work of repair.
Dennis Chew
Free and Premium resources
Put the book into practice with companion resources for members.
- Free members: the Cheat Sheet & Quick Reference, a printable summary of the Seven Languages and the Four Laws.
- Premium members (A$24 a year): the 10-Week Study Guide for individuals or groups and the 69-page Seven Languages Formation Profile, plus everything in Free.
New: try the free Ten-Minute Diagnostic from Chapter 1, or the interactive Seven Languages Formation Profile – a free sampler for everyone, and the full profile and Formation Report for Premium members.
Already a member? Your downloads are in your account.
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Where this book sits in the trilogy
If you lead people who report to you and have not yet read Book One’s account of consent, boundaries and the weaponisation of good values, start there — the leadership this book asks of you rests on it.
Book One: When Fellowship Fractures · Book Three: When Fivefold Gifts Unlock
About the author
Dennis Chew is a senior executive, organisational transformation practitioner and leadership developer with over 40 years of management experience across corporate, enterprise, ministry and purpose-led organisations. More about Dennis
Book details: Forthcoming first edition. Published by Dennis Chew, Melbourne, Australia. Paperback ISBN 978-1-7645867-0-2 · Hardcover ISBN 978-1-7645867-1-9 · EPUB ISBN 978-1-7645867-2-6.
This book provides leadership education and practical guidance. It is not medical, psychological, counselling, legal or other professional advice.